Episode 108, Ryanne also known as Trekkie, comes on the podcast to tell her crossdressing story. Here’s our short little Q&A with her.
How old are you and where are you from?
I am 40 years old. I was born in the United Kingdom, raised in Canada, and have lived in the US since the early 90’s.
What brings you to the podcast?
I was looking for a community of people who are questioning and exploring gender, but not necessarily focused on permanently changing their bodies or identities.
Are you a crossdresser?
Yes!
What makes you different from other types of crossdressers?
I also enjoy wearing diapers occasionally. Sometimes I just like the feeling of the padding. Sometimes wearing one turns me on. Sometimes wetting and wearing a wet diaper feels good.
How has living in the midwest affected your lifestyle as a crossdresser?
I had remained closer to the friends and family who knew me and accepted me when I was younger, I may have felt more comfortable openly experimenting with gender earlier in life. The midwest is obviously a conservative place, and challenging gender norms is intimidating. It’s a lot easier to keep my head down and go with the status-quo out here.
How would you identify with your gender identity? Do you identify as transgender? Why or why not?
I had not considered myself transgender, until I was challenged by my therapist and the CrossYaas podcast last spring. I suppose the term that fits me best is genderqueer, which is under the transgender umbrella. I don’t feel comfortable using the general term trangender, because it requires so much explaining to land at how I actually feel. I feel somewhere in-between a man and a woman, and it fluctuates!
How would you classify your sexuality?
I am sexually attracted to most, if not all things feminine. I am attracted to women, but it is a confusing attraction. I often want to feel what it’s like to be a woman, and be with a woman at the same time. When I was in high school, I did joke to my girlfriend that sometimes I felt like a lesbian. I felt so much shame just admitting that, that I pushed it aside for a long time.
Are you open about your crossdressing/sexuality/gender? What was that coming out process like?
I am open to a small number of friends and family. The experience of coming out to each person has been vastly different. With my wife, the conversations are ongoing. With people like my aunt and brother, the conversations were quite easy.
In your Curi – YAAS conversation with Giselle, you talk about going out in public crossdressed with your wife. How was that experience for you? How did you get your wife to agree to that? Where’d you gain that confidence from?
It was so much fun! I think the part I enjoyed the most was letting go of all my stress and anxieties. When I’m crossdressing, I don’t feel like myself. I feel like I’ve shed all of the pressures and responsibilities of being the “Man” of the house, and I get to truly have fun! When I was out with my wife I felt vulnerable. I felt cute. I felt loved. And I loved seeing how protective she got. When someone gave us the stink-eye for holding hands, she nearly charged at him!
I didn’t get my wife to agree to go out with me. She agreed all on her own. I just said it was something I would like to try. I asked her to think about it and get back to me. I also suggested I split our time between girl mode and boy mode, so she could still fall asleep next to the husband she knows. I think that compromise was key to our first experience together.
You also discussed with Giselle going to CapCon with your wife, an ageplay convention in Chicago. Can you elaborate more on that? The CrossYAAS listener would love more details. Would you go back?
I absolutely would go back! It was the most loving and accepting place I have ever been. The people were so friendly and having so much fun. And their clothes were so cute! Lots of people play with gender when they ageplay, so it was really the first time I had been exposed to a real-life group of crossdressers. And I’d be happy to share more details in the future!
You talk about your children with Giselle. How have you approached the crossdressing aspect of your life with them, and if you haven’t, what would be an ideal way for you to do that?
I have been making incremental changes to my wardrobe for almost two years. I started growing out my hair. When it got long enough to get in my eyes, I started borrowing my daughter’s sparkly cat ear headbands. The kids loved it and encouraged it. I think the next thing I did was wear a midriff long-sleeve T-shirt with a neon drawing of the space shuttle on it. They stared long and hard at my exposed belly button, before shrugging it off. When I asked my daughter how she felt, she said she was confused at first, but then wondered why she was confused. She said she realized she likes my shirt and it didn’t matter that it was shorter than my other shirts. She thought it was cute.
I’m not quite ready to strap on my fake titties and pull up a mini-skirt around them, but I do dress more feminine in daily life. They are now used to seeing me in “girl clothes” and wearing my hair in expressive ways. I have had my nails done, and I’ve worn mascara around them. My eldest daughter also knows my locked office closet is full of dress-up clothes, but I’m not opening it up for her any time soon! My middle child has asked if we could play dress-up together, but we haven’t made it happen yet. I’m excited to see what develops!
How important is passing to you? In what ways do you try or not try to pass?
I have two crossdressing modes, more or less. In the first mode, I am not trying to pass at all. I may or may not have a beard, and I’m wearing a mixture of things found in the men’s and women’s section. I feel this is me at my purest level, just having fun with who I am and what I can wear to make myself feel good. This is how I currently dress around my family. It probably doesn’t count as crossdressing, but it feels good!
In the second mode, I want a divorce from myself to become something else. In this case I am trying to pass, but it’s still mostly for me. I want to feel the makeup on my face, to remind me not to touch it. I want to feel the eyelash extensions tickle my cheek. I want my shoes to change the way I walk. I want to feel the shaper compressing me into an hourglass and the silicone boobies jiggle when I move. In those moments I want to be completely lost in femininity. If I pass, great! It only helps me get lost even more.
What would you say your style is? How did you develop it?
My style is quite juvenile, and I doubt that will change. My least favorite phrase in the English language is “That’s inappropriate”! I like bold colors in simple combinations. I like silhouettes that are shapely and feminine. I like fabrics that feel soft and light against my skin. I like ribbons and bows in my curly hair. Some may call me a Sissy, and in some ways that’s a decent fit. But I never feel humiliated by my feminine side. I want to feel empowered by it.
What’s your favorite thing to wear?
I start with a soft, thick diaper. Not a crappy drug-store brand geriatric bladder control device. A purpose-made adult sized baby diaper from a boutique manufacturer like Adult Baby Universe or Rearz. A tennis or skater skirt with wedge Chuck-Taylor style shoes. A pink midriff top. A choker and dangly earrings (I want to get my ears pierced this summer!!!) And my hair in pigtails.
What do you wish you did differently in your life?
I wish I hadn’t dismissed my questions so many times. I wish I had continued to look inside to embrace what was important to me, rather than looking to others to give me fulfillment.
What advice would you give to other crossdressers/transgender individuals?
Keep asking the questions, and find people who are asking the same questions. If you know there are others out there, hopefully you’ll know you are valued.
Would you recommend others to come onto the podcast? Why or why not?
Yes! But wait until you are ready. For me, I needed ice-breaker first. I was very nervous to record, and didn’t feel prepared. Giselle was great at calming my nerves, but I still felt like I was babbling incoherently!
