In Episode 130, special guest, Gwen Fredericks, the wife of crossdresser/genderfluid individual Stephanie Fredericks, comes onto the podcast to tell her story. Here’s our Q&A with her!
How old are you and where are you from?
I am 40 years old and live in Arizona.
What brings you to the podcast?
I’m married to a long-time listener of the podcast, Steph Fredericks. Steph introduced me to the podcast and it gave me some great context and understanding. When I first found out about Steph, I could not find any resources for spouses like me. I couldn’t find any stories like ours and I really wanted to get some context for what I was experiencing. I heard Giselle talk about wanting partners/spouses to share their stories and I thought that this was something I could share, hoping that other partners could benefit from it.
Wait what, your husband Steph is a crossdresser/genderfluid individual? And you’re okay with that? Are you sure you’re okay with that?
Yes! I’m married to Steph, and yes, I’m sure I’m OK with the Steph being “Steph.” It took some time and learning to get as comfortable as I am today, but I’m sure.
When did you first find out about Steph’s crossdressing, what was your initial reaction, and how have you dealt with it?
I learned about Steph’s crossdressing in stages. First, while we were dating, they told me about previous experiences with trying on pieces of women’s clothing. Later, right around the time we got married, Steph told me that they cross-dressed in the past – as in a full outfit. Gradually, over time, Steph shared more with me. I think the gradual sharing of information was gauging my own comfort with seeing more (like pictures) combined with Steph’s own progressive understanding of it for themselves.
How would you classify your own sexuality? How did you come to terms with that? And has that had any effect on it since finding out about Steph’s true gender identity?
For as long as I can remember, I have identified as straight/heterosexual. That has been challenged as Steph has explored and expanded their own understanding of their gender identity. For now, I still think of myself as heterosexual, but the logical part of my brain understands that it is more complicated than that because the person I love – and am attracted to – does not identify 100% as male. This is an area that I continue to think about and may change as I learn and educate myself more.
Who is your support system outside of Steph in dealing with her gender identity? Who knows about Steph? What was that coming out process like?
I’ve always felt like this was Steph’s thing to come out about – to whichever people she wanted to. It has not felt like my thing to share or disclose. Several of our friends know and Steph shares this part of themselves with more and more people on a regular basis. My mom and sister have known for some time. The friends and family who do know about Steph are nothing but supportive, but many of them do not know what to ask. I think these podcasts will help us educate them and give them a clearer understanding of Steph, as well as our relationship. Since Steph’s episode came out, I’ve already received messages of support and excitement from our friends, who are now looking to get to know Steph as “Steph” more.
For me, the coming-out process was primarily something I watch Steph do. As more people learn about Steph, and as Steph moves toward presenting more gender-fluid/feminine in public, I suspect even more people in my life will know. I anticipate that I will get a lot more questions when more of my family and friends learn about Steph.
Steph talks about being on HRT, and you’ve been one of her biggest supporters. For some, this could be considered the ultimate sign of love. For others, this is the greatest act of deception. Where do you stand on this and why?
I don’t see it as deceptive at all. It is a medical treatment just like any other. Whether Steph wants/needs to be on medication to treat a skin problem so they have skin that feels better for them, or wants/needs medication to feel more themselves in their own skin, it is all the same to me. Steph’s decision to take this treatment only serves to make them more themselves, which will only serve to give me a happier and healthier partner.
Your love has grown for Steph on her journey to finding her true gender identity. What advice can you offer other significant others of crossdressers/transgender/non-binary/gender non-conforming individuals who are figuring out how and why to stand by them? You’ve been by Steph’s side through a lot of it. How have you done it?
I think this is a very personal and individual assessment and calculation. I think it is important to both understand what you need and make efforts to understand where your partner is coming from and what they are feeling.
For me, I asked myself, regularly, what I was afraid of. I identified several things that I was afraid of, but I chose to examine them and share those fears with Steph as I was feeling them. I was asking her to keep me up to date with her journey, so I needed to do the same. Those conversations were hard, but they helped us learn more about each other and our relationship, in addition to building even more trust. I know that I can be honest about what is important to me – good or bad – just as I know that Steph will tell me what is important to them. This kind of communication is important, so if you need the help of a therapist, embrace and seek out that help.
Finally, it is important to be patient with yourself and the situation, to the extent you can. I’m not suggesting that people stay in a situation they know is not fulfilling or will somehow be harmful to them. But, if you want to be there and want to find a way, be patient with yourself and the situation as you navigate it.
What’s the biggest misconception you’d like to clarify about crossdressers/transgender individuals that you’ve learned since being introduced into this community? What resources helped you in learning about this community?
I think the biggest broad-brush misconceptions are that crossdressers are not sexually attracted to women and that every transgender person wants to surgically/medically transition. And, overall, there is this misconception that every person within the community wants the same thing. I have learned, quickly, that every crossdresser/transgender person is as individual in their experiences and expectations, just as any other person in the world.
In addition to this podcast, I have sought out education about gender identity and presentation through all media (books, podcasts, documentaries, etc.). For me, reading about how gender presentation and identity are defined has helped me to put my own experience into context. It has also been helpful to read sources from the perspective of the crossdresser/transgender person. Finding empathy and understanding of the perspective of a transgender person definitely helped put into context what I was observing and experiencing with Steph.
Even though it is a children’s book, It Feels Good to Be Yourself: A Book About Gender Identity, by Theresa Thorn, is a wonderful, positive, introduction to various gender presentations.
Seeing Gender: An Illustrated Guide to Identity and Expression, by Iris Gottlieb, is another detailed resource.
For me, I also sought information about other spouse’s experiences. An episode of the podcast, “Death, Sex, and Money” titled, “50 Years Married To A Man Named Sissy” was extremely helpful for me.
Steph sounds like a wonderful human being when you talk about her. How do you maintain such a great relationship with her? Yes communication is huge, but what else? What is your favorite thing about her? Why is she so awesome!
Steph is extremely thoughtful and listens better than most people on the face of the earth! Yes, communication is important, but we also spend time together (because we enjoy it). Steph is fun, funny, and calm. They make space for me to be myself, support me no matter what off-the-wall idea I have, and never hesitate to encourage me. I try to give Steph as much of all of those things as they give me every day.
COVID-19 has been a struggle for all of us, how have you been affected by the pandemic?
I have been able to work from home a lot more, which has meant that Steph and I get to spend even more time together. We like that, so it’s been good in that way. We haven’t been able to see our friends and family as much as we would like, but the disruption of COVID has been relatively mild for us.
Yes we know enough about Steph, but what about you?! What would you say your style is? Tell us about your fashion sense!
The last year and a half has been full of new athleisure, for me. When I’m dressing like an adult, I lean toward classic/simple lines, A-line dresses, and either solid colors or simple patterns.
Enough about Steph! What’s your favorite thing to wear? Do you have a go-to outfit?
For work, I have a brown polka-dot dress (yes, Steph found it for me) that I love to wear. It is reminiscent of the 1950’s-1960’s, but with a classic/modern look. When I’m casual around town, I prefer shorts/capris and a flowy/light tank or shirt (it can get warm here!).
What do you wish you did differently in your life? Do you have any regrets?
I don’t have any regrets. I would love to travel more – both domestically and internationally. I would really like to train myself to take a road trip slowly, stopping to see new things, instead of driving straight through without stopping.
We obviously know a lot about Steph and we learned a little about you in your talk with Giselle… but tell us something you omitted about Steph that you wish you told The CrossYAAS Podcast!
While I love to cook, Steph is no slouch in the kitchen! On one of our first dates, Steph made me a delicious dinner from scratch (before they knew how much I like to cook). When it comes to grilling/smoking, I still get to participate with seasoning, but Steph is definitely the family pitmaster!
What advice would you give to other significant others of crossdressers/transgender/non-binary/other individuals? What’s the best thing they can do to understand the community better?
If you feel like you don’t understand, either individuals or the community, I recommend de-mystifying the community by learning about it through the words and thoughts of the members themselves. Read books from the perspective of a crossdresser/trans person (fiction or non-fiction), watch documentaries, listen to podcasts.
This podcast community is a great place to start, but if you prefer joining community groups to meet people in person, do it. If you feel comfortable communicating through online forums, the CrossYAAS Discord is a great place!
Why should people join the CrossYAAS Confidential Discord?
The Discord is as much a resource as it is entertaining. For me, it has helped me learn about the community, but it has also helped me feel like a part of the community.
Everyone should join for those reasons, but partners/spouses should join because it would be great to create a community where we can find and support each other, as well.
Would you recommend others to come onto the podcast? Why or why not?
Absolutely. All the stories people have shared on the podcast so far have helped me – and so many others. Even if you think your story is uninteresting, I guarantee you that there is someone out there who identifies with it – and who, through your story, will benefit from knowing that they are not alone.
How can people reach you if they have questions and concerns?
Anyone can reach me at OhMyGuhness@gmail.com