Episode 131 and 132 feature Claire, a 31-year-old genderfluid crossdresser currently living in Portland, Oregon. Here's our Q&A with her
How old are you and where are you from?
I’m 31 years old and I’m originally from the Midwest of the United States.
What brings you to the podcast?
I have heard many other peoples’ stories and wanted to share mine to pay it forward and in hopes that it helps someone else as other peoples’ stories have helped me.
How do you feel about the term crossdresser? Do you agree with the word? Are you yourself a crossdresser? If so, how’d you come to that conclusion?
I feel that the term crossdresser carries a negative connotation to it.
I would consider myself a crossdresser, however I also feel that the term does not fully encapsulate who I am as a person, where as genderfluid/non-binary seems to be more fitting.
I realized I am a crossdresser, but I feel like it goes beyond the clothes, wig, and makeup.
How would you identify with your gender identity? You said Non-binary genderfluid with your chat with Giselle. But do you think you fall under the transgender umbrella? Why or why not?
I absolutely fit under the transgender umbrella as my sense of identity does not completely match up with my birth sex. Non-binary/Genderfluid helps me communicate that I don’t fully identify with either gender binaries and that I my motivation to dress up as Claire changes day to day.
How would you classify your sexuality? How did you come to terms with that?
I would say I’m attracted to femininity, but also to a certain degree pansexual, but I have yet to explore the boundaries of that.
I would say some therapy and introspection have helped me shed the layers of shame surrounding who I am and who I am attracted to.
Also the CrossYAAS podcast helped a ton as well!
You said many things to Giselle, and one thing that stood out was your relationship with your parents. Do you regret not coming out to them sooner? Are you satisfied with how it all went down the way it did?
I personally do not regret telling them sooner. I’ve always had a feeling they wouldn’t react well, and I felt I needed a layer of social support to be able to work up the courage to come out to them without needing their approval. I am happy the way I did it because I felt like they were able to understand that I was serious and that I cared about them.
You seem so laid back with the crossdressing and your gender identity. How did you get to be this way? You make it seem so easy! What is your secret?
I recognized from a young age that this will always be a part of me, so I kind of accepted that it was here to stay whether I liked it or not. While it has caused some issues with previous relationships, I also know that it has made me a much more empathetic person and I wouldn’t be the person I am today without it. It’s taken me a long time to realize it's not harming anyone, that it is a form of self-expression, and that my friends, that I’ve come out to, do truly just want me to be happy regardless of how I present myself. Also I realized that most people ultimately are too busy in their lives to care about other people's life choices, and if they do care that’s just kind of weird.
COVID-19 has been a struggle for all of us, how has your Claire self been affected with the pandemic?
I feel that COVID-19 has been a struggle for everyone. I would say Claire got a lot of time to hone her makeup skills, but similar to everyone was just ready to get back out and socialize.
What would you say your style is? Tell us about your fashion sense!
I love clothes that make me feel cute. I love anything flowy and practical. It feels nice to wear a high waisted skirt because you can be bloated and still look good. I guess a good portion of my style is dictated by Target as well. It’s super fun to experiment, but currently my style is cute and casual.
What's your favorite thing to wear? Do you have a go-to outfit?
I don’t currently have any go-to outfits, but I’d say if I had to throw something on quickly that works in most situations is a nice green wrap dress that has pocket and brown chunky block heel strappy sandals.
What do you wish you did differently in your life? Do you have any regrets?
I don’t really have any regrets in life as it has all led me to be where I am today. However, it would have been nicer if I got to where I am today at a younger age.
We obviously know a lot about Claire in your talk with Giselle… tell us something you omitted about Claire that you wish you told The CrossYAAS Podcast!
I love music, food, hiking, video games, movies, makeup and oxford commas.
What advice would you give to other crossdressers/transgender/non-binary/genderfluid/other individuals?
Be your best self, experiment, think about what brings you the most joy, and don’t feel shame for what society may not accept. Also put yourself out there more, do things that make you a bit nervous, and experience what life has to offer.
Would you recommend others to come onto the podcast? Why or why not?
For this question, I would have to give a big fat YAAS.
This podcast has helped me a ton in understanding my dressing and has helped me view my dressing in a non-shameful way.
The CrossYAAS discord is a wonderful source of support and has absolutely enriched my life since joining.
I used to see my crossdressing as a negative side of myself that I acknowledged, now I see it as something beautiful that makes me a unique individual.
How will you approach Claire moving forward? Does anything change after being on the podcast?
I’ll probably approach my Claire side the same as before. I’ll keep pushing myself to put myself out there more. Hopefully my story will resonate with others and inspire them to live their lives more authentically.
Episode 130 is the first Curi - YAAS Conversation to feature another significant other of a crossdresser/transgender individual on the CrossYAAS Podcast. Gwen Fredericks is the wife of Stephanie Fredericks (featured guest on Episode 129) and she speaks about her personal journey of being married to a crossdresser/genderfluid spouse with host Giselle Mirasol.
In Episode 130, special guest, Gwen Fredericks, the wife of crossdresser/genderfluid individual Stephanie Fredericks, comes onto the podcast to tell her story. Here's our Q&A with her!
How old are you and where are you from?
I am 40 years old and live in Arizona.
What brings you to the podcast?
I'm married to a long-time listener of the podcast, Steph Fredericks. Steph introduced me to the podcast and it gave me some great context and understanding. When I first found out about Steph, I could not find any resources for spouses like me. I couldn't find any stories like ours and I really wanted to get some context for what I was experiencing. I heard Giselle talk about wanting partners/spouses to share their stories and I thought that this was something I could share, hoping that other partners could benefit from it.
Wait what, your husband Steph is a crossdresser/genderfluid individual? And you're okay with that? Are you sure you're okay with that?
Yes! I'm married to Steph, and yes, I'm sure I'm OK with the Steph being "Steph." It took some time and learning to get as comfortable as I am today, but I'm sure.
When did you first find out about Steph's crossdressing, what was your initial reaction, and how have you dealt with it?
I learned about Steph's crossdressing in stages. First, while we were dating, they told me about previous experiences with trying on pieces of women's clothing. Later, right around the time we got married, Steph told me that they cross-dressed in the past - as in a full outfit. Gradually, over time, Steph shared more with me. I think the gradual sharing of information was gauging my own comfort with seeing more (like pictures) combined with Steph's own progressive understanding of it for themselves.
How would you classify your own sexuality? How did you come to terms with that? And has that had any effect on it since finding out about Steph's true gender identity?
For as long as I can remember, I have identified as straight/heterosexual. That has been challenged as Steph has explored and expanded their own understanding of their gender identity. For now, I still think of myself as heterosexual, but the logical part of my brain understands that it is more complicated than that because the person I love - and am attracted to - does not identify 100% as male. This is an area that I continue to think about and may change as I learn and educate myself more.
Who is your support system outside of Steph in dealing with her gender identity? Who knows about Steph? What was that coming out process like?
I've always felt like this was Steph's thing to come out about - to whichever people she wanted to. It has not felt like my thing to share or disclose. Several of our friends know and Steph shares this part of themselves with more and more people on a regular basis. My mom and sister have known for some time. The friends and family who do know about Steph are nothing but supportive, but many of them do not know what to ask. I think these podcasts will help us educate them and give them a clearer understanding of Steph, as well as our relationship. Since Steph's episode came out, I've already received messages of support and excitement from our friends, who are now looking to get to know Steph as "Steph" more.
For me, the coming-out process was primarily something I watch Steph do. As more people learn about Steph, and as Steph moves toward presenting more gender-fluid/feminine in public, I suspect even more people in my life will know. I anticipate that I will get a lot more questions when more of my family and friends learn about Steph.
Steph talks about being on HRT, and you've been one of her biggest supporters. For some, this could be considered the ultimate sign of love. For others, this is the greatest act of deception. Where do you stand on this and why?
I don't see it as deceptive at all. It is a medical treatment just like any other. Whether Steph wants/needs to be on medication to treat a skin problem so they have skin that feels better for them, or wants/needs medication to feel more themselves in their own skin, it is all the same to me. Steph's decision to take this treatment only serves to make them more themselves, which will only serve to give me a happier and healthier partner.
Your love has grown for Steph on her journey to finding her true gender identity. What advice can you offer other significant others of crossdressers/transgender/non-binary/gender non-conforming individuals who are figuring out how and why to stand by them? You've been by Steph's side through a lot of it. How have you done it?
I think this is a very personal and individual assessment and calculation. I think it is important to both understand what you need and make efforts to understand where your partner is coming from and what they are feeling.
For me, I asked myself, regularly, what I was afraid of. I identified several things that I was afraid of, but I chose to examine them and share those fears with Steph as I was feeling them. I was asking her to keep me up to date with her journey, so I needed to do the same. Those conversations were hard, but they helped us learn more about each other and our relationship, in addition to building even more trust. I know that I can be honest about what is important to me - good or bad - just as I know that Steph will tell me what is important to them. This kind of communication is important, so if you need the help of a therapist, embrace and seek out that help.
Finally, it is important to be patient with yourself and the situation, to the extent you can. I'm not suggesting that people stay in a situation they know is not fulfilling or will somehow be harmful to them. But, if you want to be there and want to find a way, be patient with yourself and the situation as you navigate it.
What's the biggest misconception you'd like to clarify about crossdressers/transgender individuals that you've learned since being introduced into this community? What resources helped you in learning about this community?
I think the biggest broad-brush misconceptions are that crossdressers are not sexually attracted to women and that every transgender person wants to surgically/medically transition. And, overall, there is this misconception that every person within the community wants the same thing. I have learned, quickly, that every crossdresser/transgender person is as individual in their experiences and expectations, just as any other person in the world.
In addition to this podcast, I have sought out education about gender identity and presentation through all media (books, podcasts, documentaries, etc.). For me, reading about how gender presentation and identity are defined has helped me to put my own experience into context. It has also been helpful to read sources from the perspective of the crossdresser/transgender person. Finding empathy and understanding of the perspective of a transgender person definitely helped put into context what I was observing and experiencing with Steph.
Even though it is a children's book, It Feels Good to Be Yourself: A Book About Gender Identity, by Theresa Thorn, is a wonderful, positive, introduction to various gender presentations.
Seeing Gender: An Illustrated Guide to Identity and Expression, by Iris Gottlieb, is another detailed resource.
For me, I also sought information about other spouse's experiences. An episode of the podcast, "Death, Sex, and Money" titled, "50 Years Married To A Man Named Sissy" was extremely helpful for me.
Steph sounds like a wonderful human being when you talk about her. How do you maintain such a great relationship with her? Yes communication is huge, but what else? What is your favorite thing about her? Why is she so awesome!
Steph is extremely thoughtful and listens better than most people on the face of the earth! Yes, communication is important, but we also spend time together (because we enjoy it). Steph is fun, funny, and calm. They make space for me to be myself, support me no matter what off-the-wall idea I have, and never hesitate to encourage me. I try to give Steph as much of all of those things as they give me every day.
COVID-19 has been a struggle for all of us, how have you been affected by the pandemic?
I have been able to work from home a lot more, which has meant that Steph and I get to spend even more time together. We like that, so it's been good in that way. We haven't been able to see our friends and family as much as we would like, but the disruption of COVID has been relatively mild for us.
Yes we know enough about Steph, but what about you?! What would you say your style is? Tell us about your fashion sense!
The last year and a half has been full of new athleisure, for me. When I'm dressing like an adult, I lean toward classic/simple lines, A-line dresses, and either solid colors or simple patterns.
Enough about Steph! What's your favorite thing to wear? Do you have a go-to outfit?
For work, I have a brown polka-dot dress (yes, Steph found it for me) that I love to wear. It is reminiscent of the 1950's-1960's, but with a classic/modern look. When I'm casual around town, I prefer shorts/capris and a flowy/light tank or shirt (it can get warm here!).
What do you wish you did differently in your life? Do you have any regrets?
I don't have any regrets. I would love to travel more - both domestically and internationally. I would really like to train myself to take a road trip slowly, stopping to see new things, instead of driving straight through without stopping.
We obviously know a lot about Steph and we learned a little about you in your talk with Giselle… but tell us something you omitted about Steph that you wish you told The CrossYAAS Podcast!
While I love to cook, Steph is no slouch in the kitchen! On one of our first dates, Steph made me a delicious dinner from scratch (before they knew how much I like to cook). When it comes to grilling/smoking, I still get to participate with seasoning, but Steph is definitely the family pitmaster!
What advice would you give to other significant others of crossdressers/transgender/non-binary/other individuals? What's the best thing they can do to understand the community better?
If you feel like you don't understand, either individuals or the community, I recommend de-mystifying the community by learning about it through the words and thoughts of the members themselves. Read books from the perspective of a crossdresser/trans person (fiction or non-fiction), watch documentaries, listen to podcasts.
This podcast community is a great place to start, but if you prefer joining community groups to meet people in person, do it. If you feel comfortable communicating through online forums, the CrossYAAS Discord is a great place!
Why should people join the CrossYAAS Confidential Discord?
The Discord is as much a resource as it is entertaining. For me, it has helped me learn about the community, but it has also helped me feel like a part of the community.
Everyone should join for those reasons, but partners/spouses should join because it would be great to create a community where we can find and support each other, as well.
Would you recommend others to come onto the podcast? Why or why not?
Absolutely. All the stories people have shared on the podcast so far have helped me - and so many others. Even if you think your story is uninteresting, I guarantee you that there is someone out there who identifies with it - and who, through your story, will benefit from knowing that they are not alone.
How can people reach you if they have questions and concerns?
Anyone can reach me at OhMyGuhness@gmail.com