Episode 134 features Lilly, CrossYAAS Video Editor – in Chief and genderfluid individual who comes on the podcast to share her story. Here’s our full Q & A with Lilly.
How old are you and where are you from?
I just turned 24 in August and I’m from Southern California!
What brings you to the podcast?
I started listening to the podcast awhile back, but really started to get more involved when the CrossYAAS Confidential Discord server was created. I was really interested in sharing my own story, but I was afraid to do an interview because I didn’t want my family to accidentally overhear anything. Now that I’ve come out to them though, I have nothing holding me back!
How do you feel about the term crossdresser? Do you agree with the word? Is it an outdated term? Are you yourself a crossdresser? If so, how’d you come to that conclusion?
Personally, I feel like the term “crossdresser” has become a bit outdated and problematic. There’s definitely a certain stigma about the word that I don’t feel as comfortable with anymore. For a while I did identify with the term, but more recently I have realized that I am genderfluid and that the term “crossdresser” didn’t really do the best job of describing who I am.
With regards to your gender identity, you said genderfluid with your chat with Giselle, but do you care to elaborate on that? How’d you come to that specific label for yourself? Do you even like labels when it comes to your gender identity?
I really started to explore my own gender identity a bit more by connecting with others on Discord! For many years, I just thought that I was just a crossdresser, but after joining communities like our very own CrossYAAS Confidential Discord, sharing my experiences and listening to the experiences of others, I started to realize there was more to it than just clothes and makeup. Lilly is more than just a persona that I inhabit when I dress up, she’s her own person. I started exploring my gender identity a bit more, which usually involved a lot of self reflection and asking myself what I really want in the long term. Eventually I settled on genderfluid, although I have also explored the possibility that I am bigender. For me personally, labels don’t matter as much because all I really want is to be happy and comfortable with myself.
With regards to your sexuality, you said in your chat with Giselle that you were into femininity. Can you explain that a bit more? So you’re into everything feminine? Does that mean you’re still heterosexual?
I’m attracted to feminine presenting people, whether they are cisgender women, transgender women, crossdressers, genderfluid, nonbinary, etc.. I guess that would make me bisexual by some definitions, but largely I’d say that I am attracted to women. I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone else however, so this is mostly just speculation on my part. There’s a lot more experimenting I’d like to do before I completely figure things out!
You opened up a lot to Giselle and of the many things that stood out was your challenges with your parents and family. What did it take for you to finally muster up the courage to tell them? Do you think you’ll be able to tell more of your family members down the line? Are you worried about what they’ll think about you?
Having so many supportive friends online was probably one of the biggest sources of courage I had when I came out to my family. When I first came out to my mom, I was chatting with Sierra and another friend and they helped me calm down and take that first step. The same thing happened when I came out to my dad. Madi Millions, a friend of the show, really helped me overcome a lot of the fears that were holding me back. As for coming out to the rest of my family, there are a few people I would like to tell eventually. Unless I decide to transition however, there aren’t too many family members I plan on sharing things with. Their opinions about gender and sexuality are pretty rigid and I can definitely see some of them having a real problem with me being myself.
You also talked a bit about being in the movie industry and your worries about your gender identity being an issue in finding a job. How real is this fear? Have you heard of stories where people cannot find work in that industry because of who they are?
I actually have no real idea if my fears are real or unfounded. What I do know is that building a career in Hollywood often relies on making connections and first impressions. Whether or not me being genderfluid is something that could make or break my career is a big fear I have. Hopefully after I graduate and begin working in the industry I will get a better sense of things.
COVID-19 has been a struggle for all of us, but how has Lilly been affected with the pandemic?
For me personally, COVID-19 made it nearly impossible for me to have much “Lilly” time. I still hadn’t come out to my family yet, and with everyone staying at home, I had pretty much zero privacy. I went almost a whole year without being able to dress and the only thing that kept me sane were my friends. While I couldn’t dress up as Lilly, I still got to be her online when chatting with other crossdressers, genderfluid people and trans women. I actually think this was a big reason I realized that being Lilly was more than just a hobby and that she is a part of my identity.
What would you say Lilly’s style is? Tell us about your fashion sense and how you developed it!
When I first started crossdressing, I swung between super casual and super formal (my first purchases were a pair of black leggings and a red formal dress). After a little bit of experimenting with clothing and style, I think I’ve honed in on a nice balance between the two. My style tends to be pretty put together, but nothing that would be out of place in everyday situations. Most of my wardrobe consists of different colors and styles of tops which I pair with skirts. After Giselle’s wedding however, I’ve started to become a bit more interested in more “glamorous” outfits like the sequin dress I wore.
What’s your favorite thing to wear? Do you have a go-to outfit?
If I had to pick one outfit as my favorite, I’d probably say it’s my light pink blouse paired with a soft brown skirt with golden buttons. I find that I’m always reaching for that light pink top when I dress, and I’ve tried pairing it with practically every skirt in my wardrobe at least once.
What do you wish you did differently in your life? Do you have any regrets?
I think one thing I would’ve done differently is come out to my mom and dad at the same time instead of breaking it up over a year. Knowing how they would’ve reacted now it would’ve been easier to get past the awkwardness quickly. It would’ve also been a lot easier on my mom, as she really struggled keeping such a big thing secret from her best friend (my dad).
We obviously know a lot about Lilly in your talk with Giselle…but tell us something you omitted about Lilly that you wish you told The CrossYAAS Podcast!
I’m a huge nerd! My friend’s and I haven been playing Dungeons & Dragons every Friday and Sunday for over 2 years now. I’m the Dungeon Master for a campaign that takes place in the world of Ravnica, a setting from Magic: The Gathering, another game I’m quite fond of. Gender is something that I’ve even started exploring in my games, with friends who don’t know that I am genderfluid. It’s a very accepting environment to roleplay as someone of a different gender or sexual identity, and I definitely recommend that any listeners who are curious try it out. Maybe I’ll host a CrossYAAS D&D campaign in the future… who knows?!
What advice would you give to other crossdressers/transgender/non-binary/genderfluid/other individuals?
Don’t be afraid to reach out to others and share your identity with them. You’ll find you’re a lot less alone than you might think you are. Don’t be afraid to take steps that seem too difficult or impossible either! The biggest thing that stopped me from experimenting with crossdressing for so long was that I didn’t think I would be good enough at it. Things like learning makeup and buying clothes seemed like insurmountable obstacles to me and I spent years holding myself back because of those fears. But once I took those steps I realized how easy it was to just try new things and see how they made me feel. Don’t hold yourself back, get out there and have fun!
How will you approach Lilly moving forward? Does anything change after being on the podcast?
My approach to Lilly and my gender identity moving forward is to keep taking steps to get myself out there. Whether that means hanging out with friends as Lilly, going to weddings or just walking my dogs, I want to feel free to be myself more often. My journey is far from over and I’m excited to see where I’ll be in the next few years. Hopefully I can record more episodes with Giselle and other members of the CrossYAAS community as well!
Would you recommend others to come onto the podcast? Why or why not?
Absolutely! I think being able to voice your thoughts and stories with others is such an important part of discovering your own identity. It’s a great way to get out of your own head for a bit and see things a bit more objectively.