The CrossYaas Podcast

In Episode 110, Candice C, a 39-year-old crossdresser comes onto the podcast to tell her story. Here's our Q&A with her.

How old are you and where are you from?

I am 39 and from Canada.  Yes it's a big country, but I have lived all over the place, so let's just leave it at Canada 🙂

What brings you to the podcast?

I found the podcast through my own desire for consuming resources in the search of defining my self identity.  Most of the resources out there are outdated.  I love the fresh approach that this podcast is taking!  I decided to contribute in order to share my story and add to the growing number of voices out there.  Hearing other voices is helping me, and I hope that I can help others!

For newcomers to the podcast, is the CrossYAAS podcast worth listening to? Why or why not?

The podcast is definitely worth listening to.  Giselle weaves interesting current affairs with topics of sexuality and gender.  And the interviews serve as a glimpse into the lives of other people that also cross dress or otherwise explore gender.

Are you yourself a crossdresser?

Yes!

How would you identify with your gender identity? Do you identify as transgender? Why or why not?

I don't like to slot myself into one identity.  I find that somewhat constricting when it comes to sexuality and gender.  But I can relate to non-binary and genderfluid.  And I like to consider those under the trans umbrella.

How would you classify your sexuality?

I would classify myself as having a submissive feminine sexual identity, and attracted to dominant feminine energy.  

Are you open about your crossdressing/sexuality/gender?What was that coming out process like?

I am only out to my wife IRL.  That process, as you can or will hear in the podcast, was not ideal.  It came out with her discovering pictures on my computer.  That started off the conversation in a really negative way as it damaged a lot of trust between us.  If I had told her earlier on in our relationship, things would have worked out a lot better.  She is very open minded and accepting of LGBTQ and various sexual kinks.  

In your Curi - YAAS conversation with Giselle, you talk about not being open about your crossdressing to your workmates because they're older and they wouldn't understand. Where do you think your perception of them not understanding stems from? Would it change the work dynamic if they knew about Candice?

I work in a small company of about 20 people.  Many of whom I have known for about 10-15 years, and the others are quite a bit younger.  Therefore I think they would get over it and accept me because they have known me for so long.  However, I work as a consultant for various companies.  And I have worked with probably over 200 by now, so I have to deal with new people all of the time.  My industry tends to be an older and more conservative-leaning crowd.  Much of my work involves working in and around small remote communities.  So I feel as though if I were open about this, it would expose me to the judgement (or perceived judgement) of a lot of different people.  And the risk to my career as I transition into a leadership role is a big concern.  Not to mention that my boss of 15 years has shown himself to be a bigoted individual towards people that are LGBTQ.

You also discussed with Giselle the sexual component of crossdressing...would you care to elaborate on that? What about crossdressing gets you turned on?

There are many parts to it that are sexually charged.  For one, its the anticipation of having the chance to dress up.  When it's something that can't always be done, it adds a certain element of built-up energy.  It's like a seed that just starts to grow.  I might be inspired by an outfit I see on the street, and I think about how that would look on me.  I look for that outfit online.. thinking about the day that I might actually order it and try it on.  Then when the day comes, and I get dressed up.  I look in the mirror and feel good about what I see.  Not like, "hey I'm hot", it's more like, damn I look fine.  As a dude, I rarely every feel sexy.  But when I dress up, I actually FEEL sexy.  It's an exhilarating feeling to embody the sexual energy, instead of as a man just seeking out the feminine sexual energy.  Then there is the tactile nature of all of the different clothes and how they are tight and often form fitting.

You talk about your children with Giselle and breaking gender binaries down with them. How did you come about that conclusion and what is the significance of that moving forward in your children's upbringing?

It was an approach that my wife and I had early on when we had our first. (in retrospect this sounds like it would have been a great segue to share about my personal gender identity). We didn't want to go as far as waiting to gender them until they are old enough to do it themselves.  I think that can be too confusing for people around them.  We have always referred to our son as a boy and our daughter as a girl.  We didn't find out their gender when my wife was pregnant, so right from the get-go, we set the stage for baby gifts from family and friends needing to be gender-neutral.  We have tried to encourage hobbies, toys and activities that boys or girls like to both of our kids.  And we let them choose what they want to do.  Presently, our boy like most typical boy things, and our girl likes mostly typical girl things.  But they are free to chose what they genuinely like.  We have tried to remove as many gender barriers as possible for them, as I think they will appreciate that gender-norms and practices in the school and workplace can be limitations to their potential.  

Does passing play an importance when you are Candice? In what ways do you try or not try to pass?

I always aim to pass when I dress.  I don't feel comfortable blending gender presentations. I try to pass with the best makeup as possible, and shaving my face very close.  Luckily I don't have much body hair to deal with, and I generally don't shave my legs or arms.  Wigs end up being an essential piece for me.  I don't use wigs or hip/but enhancements.  I am athletic, so I have a lean body shape and my shoulders aren't very broad either, so I think that helps.

If you had a style when you're dressed as Candice, what would you say that is? How did you develop it?

I tend to gravitate towards more glamorous evening wear.  I say yes to sparkles and sequins!  I don't think I really have a style.  I tend to be fairly eclectic.  Which is to say, I don't really have very many clothes yet.

Do you have a favorite place to shop?

I used to love ordering from Charlotte Russe.  I loved almost everything from there.  I have filled my cart a few times, but never ordered, from Shein and Boohoo.

What's your favorite thing to wear and why?

I have always had a thing for pantyhose.  So it's a must for just about every outfit!  It's hard to say why, but they just feel amazing to wear.

What do you wish you did differently in your life? Do you have any regrets?

I wish I had explored my gender expression and sexuality more when I was in my early 20's.  When I was single and still defining myself.  Once you are on a career path with a wife and kids, it becomes a lot harder to do that.  Life gets busy and there is a lot less time for ones self.  I think that is why a lot of crossdressing men come out in their 60's.  They have retired and their kids have grown up, and they find themselves with the time to look inward and explore those parts about themselves they they tucked away for so long. 

 What advice would you give to other crossdressers/transgender individuals?

Read and listen to as many resources as possible.  There is so much out there now, there is no excuse.  The sooner that you start exploring your identity the better.  If you hide it, you risk damaging a relationship that you may be in like I did.

Would you recommend others to come onto the podcast? Why or why not?

Yes, absolutely.  It is somewhat of a therapeutic experience.  Giselle also asks the tough questions in order to challenge some listeners in some things that may be holding them back.  I may, in the future, refer people to my episode if it makes sense.

Episode 108, Ryanne also known as Trekkie, comes on the podcast to tell her crossdressing story. Here's our short little Q&A with her.

How old are you and where are you from?

I am 40 years old. I was born in the United Kingdom, raised in Canada, and have lived in the US since the early 90's.

What brings you to the podcast?

I was looking for a community of people who are questioning and exploring gender, but not necessarily focused on permanently changing their bodies or identities.

Are you a crossdresser?

Yes!

What makes you different from other types of crossdressers?

I also enjoy wearing diapers occasionally. Sometimes I just like the feeling of the padding. Sometimes wearing one turns me on. Sometimes wetting and wearing a wet diaper feels good.

How has living in the midwest affected your lifestyle as a crossdresser?

I had remained closer to the friends and family who knew me and accepted me when I was younger, I may have felt more comfortable openly experimenting with gender earlier in life. The midwest is obviously a conservative place, and challenging gender norms is intimidating. It's a lot easier to keep my head down and go with the status-quo out here.

How would you identify with your gender identity? Do you identify as transgender? Why or why not?

I had not considered myself transgender, until I was challenged by my therapist and the CrossYaas podcast last spring. I suppose the term that fits me best is genderqueer, which is under the transgender umbrella. I don't feel comfortable using the general term trangender, because it requires so much explaining to land at how I actually feel. I feel somewhere in-between a man and a woman, and it fluctuates!

How would you classify your sexuality?

I am sexually attracted to most, if not all things feminine. I am attracted to women, but it is a confusing attraction. I often want to feel what it's like to be a woman, and be with a woman at the same time. When I was in high school, I did joke to my girlfriend that sometimes I felt like a lesbian. I felt so much shame just admitting that, that I pushed it aside for a long time.

Are you open about your crossdressing/sexuality/gender? What was that coming out process like?

I am open to a small number of friends and family. The experience of coming out to each person has been vastly different. With my wife, the conversations are ongoing. With people like my aunt and brother, the conversations were quite easy.

In your Curi - YAAS conversation with Giselle, you talk about going out in public crossdressed with your wife. How was that experience for you? How did you get your wife to agree to that? Where'd you gain that confidence from?

It was so much fun! I think the part I enjoyed the most was letting go of all my stress and anxieties. When I'm crossdressing, I don't feel like myself. I feel like I've shed all of the pressures and responsibilities of being the "Man" of the house, and I get to truly have fun! When I was out with my wife I felt vulnerable. I felt cute. I felt loved. And I loved seeing how protective she got. When someone gave us the stink-eye for holding hands, she nearly charged at him!

I didn't get my wife to agree to go out with me. She agreed all on her own. I just said it was something I would like to try. I asked her to think about it and get back to me. I also suggested I split our time between girl mode and boy mode, so she could still fall asleep next to the husband she knows. I think that compromise was key to our first experience together.

You also discussed with Giselle going to CapCon with your wife, an ageplay convention in Chicago. Can you elaborate more on that? The CrossYAAS listener would love more details.  Would you go back?

I absolutely would go back! It was the most loving and accepting place I have ever been. The people were so friendly and having so much fun. And their clothes were so cute! Lots of people play with gender when they ageplay, so it was really the first time I had been exposed to a real-life group of crossdressers. And I'd be happy to share more details in the future!

You talk about your children with Giselle. How have you approached the crossdressing aspect of your life with them, and if you haven't, what would be an ideal way for you to do that?

I have been making incremental changes to my wardrobe for almost two years. I started growing out my hair. When it got long enough to get in my eyes, I started borrowing my daughter's sparkly cat ear headbands. The kids loved it and encouraged it. I think the next thing I did was wear a midriff long-sleeve T-shirt with a neon drawing of the space shuttle on it. They stared long and hard at my exposed belly button, before shrugging it off. When I asked my daughter how she felt, she said she was confused at first, but then wondered why she was confused. She said she realized she likes my shirt and it didn't matter that it was shorter than my other shirts. She thought it was cute. 

I'm not quite ready to strap on my fake titties and pull up a mini-skirt around them, but I do dress more feminine in daily life. They are now used to seeing me in "girl clothes" and wearing my hair in expressive ways. I have had my nails done, and I've worn mascara around them. My eldest daughter also knows my locked office closet is full of dress-up clothes, but I'm not opening it up for her any time soon! My middle child has asked if we could play dress-up together, but we haven't made it happen yet. I'm excited to see what develops!

How important is passing to you? In what ways do you try or not try to pass?

I have two crossdressing modes, more or less. In the first mode, I am not trying to pass at all. I may or may not have a beard, and I'm wearing a mixture of things found in the men's and women's section. I feel this is me at my purest level, just having fun with who I am and what I can wear to make myself feel good. This is how I currently dress around my family. It probably doesn't count as crossdressing, but it feels good!

In the second mode, I want a divorce from myself to become something else. In this case I am trying to pass, but it's still mostly for me. I want to feel the makeup on my face, to remind me not to touch it. I want to feel the eyelash extensions tickle my cheek. I want my shoes to change the way I walk. I want to feel the shaper compressing me into an hourglass and the silicone boobies jiggle when I move. In those moments I want to be completely lost in femininity. If I pass, great! It only helps me get lost even more.

What would you say your style is? How did you develop it?

My style is quite juvenile, and I doubt that will change. My least favorite phrase in the English language is "That's inappropriate"! I like bold colors in simple combinations. I like silhouettes that are shapely and feminine. I like fabrics that feel soft and light against my skin. I like ribbons and bows in my curly hair. Some may call me a Sissy, and in some ways that's a decent fit. But I never feel humiliated by my feminine side. I want to feel empowered by it.

What's your favorite thing to wear?

I start with a soft, thick diaper. Not a crappy drug-store brand geriatric bladder control device. A purpose-made adult sized baby diaper from a boutique manufacturer like Adult Baby Universe or Rearz. A tennis or skater skirt with wedge Chuck-Taylor style shoes. A pink midriff top. A choker and dangly earrings (I want to get my ears pierced this summer!!!) And my hair in pigtails.

What do you wish you did differently in your life?

I wish I hadn't dismissed my questions so many times. I wish I had continued to look inside to embrace what was important to me, rather than looking to others to give me fulfillment.

What advice would you give to other crossdressers/transgender individuals?

Keep asking the questions, and find people who are asking the same questions. If you know there are others out there, hopefully you'll know you are valued.

Would you recommend others to come onto the podcast? Why or why not?

Yes! But wait until you are ready. For me, I needed ice-breaker first. I was very nervous to record, and didn't feel prepared. Giselle was great at calming my nerves, but I still felt like I was babbling incoherently!