The CrossYaas Podcast

Episodes 112 and 113 featured Madi, a crossdresser from Portland who came on the podcast to share her story. Here's our Q&A with her.

How old are you and where are you from?

I’m 40. I grew up in Santa Cruz, California and moved to Portland, Oregon at the end of 2015.

What brings you to the podcast?

Through another member of the community and guest on the show, Hope. We’ve known each other for several years, and she said some *very* kind words about me in her interview episode. That got me interested in checking out the Discord group, and one thing led to another.

Are you a crossdresser?

Yes.

How do you feel about the term crossdresser?

I don’t love it. I increasingly feel that it just describes an activity and not an identity. It doesn’t communicate anything about your relationship to gender or your motivations. That and it just doesn’t have any positive associations—it’s not a word people associate with craft or personal enrichment.

How would you identify with your gender identity? Do you identify as transgender? Why or why not?

I identify as genderqueer, which does put me under the transgender umbrella. The way I see it and feel it is that my whole self can’t be contained by one gender expression. I don’t feel a lot of need to claim transgender personally, though. It’s replaced “transexual” so thoroughly that I feel like using it to describe myself would probably cause more confusion than it would resolve.

How would you classify your sexuality? How did you discover that?

It depends on who I’m talking to and how much time we have to talk about it. I’ve generally rounded off to “straight” in the past, for the sake of simplicity, but I think straightness has more wiggle room than the popular discourse usually gives it credit for. 

There was a great opinion piece on the NYT recently urging bisexuals to come out, and it made the argument that it does *not* mean equal attraction to everyone at all times. It can lean more toward one sex than another, and it can be situational, and it can vary over time. I’m not sure I’m ready to claim bisexual yet, but given that argument, I’m warming to it.

All that said, “femmesexual” is the best term I’ve found to describe my orientation. I’m attracted to femininity.

In your Curi - YAAS conversation with Giselle, you talk about wanting to come out at work? Have you done that yet? What was the work reaction like?

Yes, I came out the next week, and it was a phenomenal experience. My team was incredibly supportive, and I felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders that I’d grown so used to that I barely realized it was there. When you’re closeted, there’s a kind of paranoia that sets in around whether you’re doing anything that will out you. Was that gesture too femme? Was that drag race reference suspicious? Is my birthday tiara visible in the background of this zoom call? (it was, and for months, and no one ever noticed). I’ve been able to let go of all of those worries, and it’s been such a liberating feeling. If it’s safe for you to come out, I encourage it.

You also discussed with Giselle, about your affinity towards Drag? What is your fascination with it? 

Fundamentally it’s the same fascination with transformation I have for any kind of gender nonconformance. But I like the hugeness of it. I love camp. I love the way it queers femininity, turning into a loud, commanding, powerful force. Drag queens are gonna save the world.

Why should I watch RuPaul’s Drag Race? Is it really that good of a show?

It can be. Honestly my enthusiasm for it has been cooling off lately, but I do think it’s a great show overall. I’ve learned a lot about confidence and authenticity from it.

You talk about avoiding the spotlight when you talked with Giselle. How important is passing to you? In what ways do you try or not try to pass?

I’d probably be lying if I said I didn’t do my best to pass, but I don’t *expect* to pass. I want to create the best illusion that I can. I pay a lot of attention things to proportions, what kinds of clothes best fit my body, how I move and walk. I don’t bother trying to change my voice though—maybe it’s from watching so much drag race, but doing a voice just seems unnecessary, for me.

What would you say your style is? How did you develop it?

I have a few. Last Fall I was getting into this quasi-1950’s retro look, but I’m not feeling that as much lately. More recently I’ve been into this sort of *Real Housewives* MILF rich bitch vibe.

I’m not sure how to answer the question of how I develop any looks though. I mostly fly on intuition, I guess. I do a lot of online window shopping and play around with outfit composition in my head while I do that.

What's your favorite thing to wear?

Lately, sequins. I love the sparkle, it makes me feel gorgeous and confident. I have these faux leather leggings I can’t get enough of, too. Oh and heels—they’re an important part of the transformation for me, in the way they change how I move.

What do you wish you did differently in your life? Do you have any regrets?

It probably goes without saying I wish I’d dressed more when I was in my 20’s and early 30’s. I try not to get too caught up in that though. 

What advice would you give to other crossdressers/transgender individuals?

If it’s safe for you to come out, start coming out. You need the support. This part of you is fundamental to who you are, and keeping that a secret will wreck you.

Would you recommend others to come onto the podcast? Why or why not?

Yeah if listening to the show makes you think, “hey, that seems like it would be fun,” then definitely reach out to Giselle and come tell us your story!

Madilyn Aubergine, a crossdresser from Portland, Oregon, tells the first part of her fascinating story that includes crossdressing, drag, and keeping secrets in episode 112.